Now that I am a successful grown-up person, I am often plagued by under privileged none grown-up people with questions on how they can emulate my maturity. After all, I have left university with a degree, set up home in London and landed myself on the career ladder of my choice. In the words of the M People, I am movin’ on up.
So what pearls of wisdom can I depart to the masses? I tell you it was hard to narrow it down to just this list but I’ve given it my best shot. Think of this not so much as a blog post/ Buzzfeed list rip off, but as a digital bible into twenty-something survival.
Come children; let me guide you through the joys of becoming a grown-up.
1. You are an office foetus
When you enter your first job out of university, no doubt you will be filled with oodles of self-confidence about your abilities. I mean, you did all those internships, didn’t you? And you practically ran that student radio station. Oh, how those freshers marvelled at your authority. You can’t wait to step into your Don Draper style suit and reinvigorate your new office with your youth.
However, I am here to tell you that you are not a person. You are a foetus. For the first few months every conversation you have with your new co-workers will involve them marvelling at the fact that you, someone born in the 90s, is allowed to drink. You’ll also be hit with weird abbreviations, like AOB… Since when did everyone start using AOB?
2. Money Disappears
Oh wow, look at that salary you’ve been offered. Doesn’t it seem huge? Imagine all that money a month. You’ll be loaded, nothing but parties, booze and Marks and Spenser’s shopping for you. Of course you’ll first have to pay national insurance. Then income tax. Oh, and have I mentioned you’re also part of the company’s pension?
And then there’s rent…
That zone 2 travel card…
Holy shit, how much is council tax?
3. Relationships are… different
Something strange happens to you out of uni – you’re expected to date. If you’re like me, you’ll find this very disconcerting. Isn’t dating something only the Sex and the City girls do? Whatever happened to awkwardly standing next to your crush at a party and drunkenly shagging later after a game of (ironic) spin-the-bottle gets out of hand? Sure the food in the restaurant is nice, and you feel very sexy ordering that glass of red wine, but it’s just not the same as a Lord of the Rings marathon in bed, basking in the sexual chemistry that is Frodo and Sam.
4. People get on with their lives
Many of us have a nice illusion that our friendship circle acts like a solar system. You, of course, are the sun and the rest of the group happily orbits your little sphere of being. This egotistical and safe belief is bit by bit dismantled by real life. The people in our lives have lives of their own to lead. They have jobs to take up, places to move to, and partners to romance with. A good friendship will weather this and even grow, but not all relationships can last through the storm. It’s a natural part of life but that’s not to say it doesn’t suck.
5. So where do I go from here?
Growing up I found that life had set itself out very neatly in front of me. I would go to primary school, then high school, college, university and then finally I would get a job. From the ages of 6 till 21, this plan sat very nicely with me. That was until I reached the ‘end’. Because all that bullshit about school being the greatest time of your life is just that…. bullshit. Once you step out into the real world you realise how little of your life you’ve really lived and that in front of you is this great expanse of possibilities just waiting for you to dive in. It’s fantastical and scary all at the same time. There are places to go, things to do, new people to meet – I don’t even think Buzzfeed could list all the things ahead of you.
So my final piece advice is this – never wait to feel grown-up. Stop waiting for that end point. Don’t grow up, get up and live it. Quickly before you start reading another listicle.
I get all my images by typing random words into Google, followed by the word ‘.gif’. Therefore I own nothing and if you want things taken down or credited you can just ask, silly sausage.