I Applied to be a Gay Agony Aunt and Failed

I applied to be a gay agony aunt and somehow managed to be a runner-up – not bad, considering I’m not actually gay.

As Vada Magazine doesn’t want my weekly doses of knowledge, I thought you lovely people might appreciate some of the wisdom I spouted in the application. Whether straight or gay, relationships are tricky things but it’s nothing a little bit of well-meaning sass can’t help with. Observe.

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Ben: I don’t really have any problems meeting new guys but I keep falling into relationships that fizzle out within a couple of months. I always get swept up and think I really like the guy but I lose interest and end up finishing it. Each time I meet somebody new I think it will be different but I just repeat the same cycle. How do I know whether to pursue someone or not to bother trying?

Remember in that rom-com, when the boy and girl FINALLY got together, and there was that passionate kiss and some implied steamy sex before the credits rolled? Of course you do because that is EVERY rom-com, like, ever.

Hollywood had made millions from selling what I like to call ‘Honeymoon Relationships’. You might have heard of the ‘honeymoon’ phase of a relationship. It typically comes at the start of hooking up with a new person and usually lasts between a few months and a year. In that time you and your partner do nothing but shag endlessly, talk dirty, and throw around phrases like ‘this guys is the ONE’.

Unfortunately, for people in the real world, what Hollywood fails to show is that the honeymoon period ends; it has to- otherwise doctors would just get overwhelmed with chaffing issues.

Now it seems to me that your relationships seem to fizzle out around the time when the honeymoon period comes grinding to a halt. You may feel from watching films and seeing couples on TV that there’s something wrong with this, but getting into a long-term relationship is a pretty big step and not everybody is ready for it.

It’s perfectly acceptable to come out of your honeymoon bliss and realise- “I’m not ready to go further with this.” Or even- “this is not the guy I’m meant to be with.” You’re meant to grow into relationships, and it takes time to be ready to take things to the next level AND find the right guy.

I mean, getting married at 16 like that fish girl from The Little Mermaid just isn’t realistic.

One day you’ll be ready for a relationship to last longer than a few months. Unfortunately I can’t give you a check list for what constitutes as the right guy (if I could I would be RICH). All I can say is that old romantic cliché that you’ll just know when you’ve found that perfect person, and when you do, your relationship won’t fizzle – it’ll BURN.*

* Like in a romance sense, not a gonorrhoea one.

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Alex: I need some advice on how to recover from the most embarrassing experience of my life. I’ve been chatting for a while online to someone who works behind the bar at my local gay bar. I was in there recently with people after work and got horrendously, tragically drunk. Anyway, I plucked up the courage to go and say hi and ended up being sick all over the bar. I was mortified. Should I apologise and try to re-start the conversation or just ignore it and accept I’ve ruined my chances?

Well plastic surgeons can work wonders nowadays, so maybe you could turn a few tricks, save up your hooker money and use it to buy a new face – preferably one that looks like a young Johnny Depp. Then you can just stroll back into that bar and be all ‘AHOY there sailor, want to walk my plank?’ cause, you know, you’ll have a sexy pirate face.

If you don’t fancy selling your butthole for a new face, then I’m afraid my advice gets a little less glamorous.

The good news is that you’re already known as ‘sick boy’, so you really can’t sink any lower in his opinion of you, which means you can only go UP at this point.

Another silver lining is that your friendship so far has been based online, so you can restart the conversation without any face to face communication. So if you’re willing to pick up the shattered remnants of your soul, you might still have a shot at salvaging this relationship. And without having eye to eye contact, you can say sorry without him having to look at you and have flashbacks of chunks of carrots flying at his face.

In my experience of making a tit of myself (and I have A LOT of experience), the best way to go about surviving public humiliation is to try and laugh it off. Start by saying the usual ‘ahoy there sailor’ (pirates are easier to forgive) and then jokingly be like ‘oh I tried to say hi to you the other night before I VOMMED ON YOUR FACE – LOL! Crazy times, am I right?’

If the relationships meant to be he’ll find the whole thing funny and the pair of you can use it as a hilarious anecdote in years to come when you’re at awkward dinner parties and people ask how you guys met – #ROMANCE.

One thought on “I Applied to be a Gay Agony Aunt and Failed

  1. Pingback: 13 Mistakes From Your First Time At A Lesbian Bar | シ最愛遲到.!

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