How can I sleep? (Tumblr Picks)

There’s nothing more satisfying than filling up your Tumblr page. It’s the internet equivalent of being an artistic hoarder and staring at your impossibly stuffed living room that is no longer liveable. Do you know what I mean?

As I enjoy Tumblr so much, but so few people actually follow me on the site, I’ve decided to show off my finds every so often on this blog. This idea is what you call a whim, so don’t hold your breath on me following through on my promise of regular content. I’m a lone wolf. I can’t be tamed. And so on and so forth…

How can I sleep by gothvoid

How can I sleep by GothVoid

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Obscene Interiors by Von Brandis

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Huichol woman (1977) by National Geographic

A painted prayer blooms on the cheeks of a Huichol woman, who uses lipstick to form a background for flower petals, symbols of fertility. Emblems of a sacred bird march across her headdress. In the solitude of the Sierra Madre Occidental, Mexico’s Huichols still heed a pantheon of deities who rule their hearts- while the government introduces modern ways to help their bodies and minds.

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Collage by Tess Johnson

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Too Big by Deep Dark Fears

Sorry Dapper Laughs, we’ve heard it all before

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I’m sorry Mr. Dapper Laughs but I’m here to inform that your comedy has already been done. The punchline has already been punched – just like woman! HAHA! You see what I just did there? I made a joke about domestic violence, and it was funny (presumably) because 2 women a week die in the UK from such abuse. I bet you wish you had thought it up! And this is what I mean, all jokes about women have already been done.

The patriarchy has been in effect for the last 200,000 years, assuming that homo sapiens idaltu were as sexist as you. Even if they weren’t, it’s fair to say that men have been dominating the jokesphere for most of human civilisation. I mean, female acts still only account for 17% of all entertainment at The Edinburgh Fringe (keep in mind that this is the highest percentage in the history of the Fringe and that we live in 2015). So I think it’s safe to say that all jokes at the expense of women have been done.

They’re over.

It’s all been said.

After thousands of years the arse in which these jokes have been pulled from has run out of gas.

But just in case, Dapper Laughs, you have been living in a bubble for most of your life and do genuinely believe that your sex offender-esque humour is something new, I have compiled a list of all women-based jokes that have been told through history.

Because we’ve all heard the one about:

How women can’t drive
Can’t play sport
Can’t understand sport
Can’t manage money
Spend too much money
Shop too much
Clean too much
Don’t clean enough
Should clean more
Should make sandwiches
Should only be making sandwiches
Should give blow-jobs
Are great at blow-jobs
Are shit at blow-jobs
Should be doing more blow-jobs
Be having more sex
Be having less sex
Stop looking like sluts
Look more like sluts
Only care about babies
Want more babies
Can only talk about babies
Talk too much
Talk too much about men
Talk too much about other women
Are not funny
Are total bitches
Are total whores
Are total prudes
Are all liars
Are all lying about getting raped
Are all lying about getting punched
Deserved to get raped
Deserved to get punch
Need a ‘right seeing to’
Need a man
Need a husband
Need to be quiet
Need to be grateful

And finally, need to stop hearing terrible jokes about women from men.

There you go Dapper Laughs. All the women jokes. So now that you know your services aren’t needed, you can go back into the primordial ooze from which you came.

The Horrors of an Honest Face

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When I tell you my face is like Shakira’s hips, it’s not because it’s sexy and Colombian — it’s because it just can’t lie. Ask me a direct question, and no matter what comes out of my mouth, my face is guaranteed to give you an honest answer.

And to be honest, this is annoying as fuck.

Sure, when people realize that my face is controlled by a do-gooding Muppet, they do tend to feel relaxed in my presence. An honest face means a nice person, right? And it is lovely to be considered nice, but guys… sometimes you need to lie. Lying is, like, a basic need.

For example, last year I was single and dating one of those “badboy” types (badboy being code for a guy who is a total dick). In my bid to impress him, I wanted to come across as mysterious and cultured, which naturally requires a lot of lying. We would walk through bookstores and he would constantly point to every book in the classics section, telling me in a smug-as-balls way how many he had read.

“Heather, you MUST have read Bouvard et Pécuchet by Gustave Flaubert. It’s a CLASSIC!”

“Haha, of course I’ve read it,” I would say. But it would be too late. My face would be twitching into what can only be referred to as a “rabbit caught in headlights” expression. HE KNOWS, I would think, and then I’d blurt out, “Okay, kind of, not really — BUT I’VE READ ANNA KARENINA, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT?!”

Needless to say, that relationship did not work out.

Read the full article @ Femsplain

Dear iPhone (a love letter)

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Dear iPhone,

I hope you don’t mind this informal address, the tagline 5c sounds so silly now that we’re… together. It’s been a long time coming, many of my friends have been suggesting we give it a go for years now. But you know, I’m stubborn (a trait you’ll learn to love), I just couldn’t see what was right in front of me.

And what is in front of me?

A slick body, cool apps, and smooth multi-tasking abilities. Oh babe, you’re such dream.

We’ve had less than 24 hours together and already I’m invested. We’re a pair now. Me eating food and you uploading it to Instagram – that is so OUR THING.

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Sure, there could be problems on the way. You have a small memory, I may have to delete some of my Spotify playlists. But bae, you are worth it. If only so we can try that new Periscope thing that everyone’s talking about. With a love like ours we can afford to experiment.

Now going into this you should know that I’ve been hurt in the past. Samsung Galaxy S3 really did a number on me. He wasn’t reliable. He was slow. He even died in public. It was mortifying. I thought I would never get excited about a phone again.

But now I’m on the road to forgetting those bad memories. Maybe I have an 8GB of memory too.

So here’s to us iPhone and the next 24 months (subject to upgrades).

xoxo

Marge and Homer Simpson get a divorce – HURRAY!

I have a dream, a very simple dream. It involves one former house wife packing her bags, climbing into an open top car, and driving off into the sunset with her glorious blue hair let down and blowing in the wind.

Yes, I’m referring to Marge Simpson. Poor Marge Simpson.

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If you’ve looked at the news today, you’ll see that Marge is going to separate from Homer in the next season (I know, I didn’t know Simpsons was still going either). The separation comes after Homer is lured away by another woman who will be voice by Lena Dunham (a siren that would tempt the best of us).

Now my initial reaction to this was… THANK GOD!

I mean, can we all now just acknowledge the poor plight of Marge Simpson?

A woman who has been spun around by her hair. Been given a bowling ball with her husbands name on it, from her husband, ON HER BIRTHDAY! Has been previously nearly cheated on before when Homer got a sexy co-worker. And who gave up many a career path in order to be there for the family.

Marge, it is time to leave!

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Maybe it’s because the idea of going straight from school into marriage is terrifying for me, but there’s something about the story of Marge Simpson that makes me sad. The whole show constantly gives her occasional storylines where she finds her inner goddess (either by becoming a policewoman, an estate agent, a reporter, or even by having some sexual chemistry with the sexy criminal neighbour next door) and then puts her right back where she started at the end of the episode. I mean, I know she loves her family but gurl you’ve literally had a mental breakdown because of this relationship!

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Pure sexual tension.

Wouldn’t it be great, just this once, if Marge just… left. We all know that Lisa would understand, hell, she would probably even support the decision.

Marge would go live with Ruth Powers (man, how great was Ruth?) and Ruth would give her some kick ass feminist advice because she’s already been through a divorce so she knows the ropes (seriously, more Ruth is needed in the show). Then Marge would start discovering all those passions that she left on the wayside to be with Homer. She would take up photography, start working in a little cafe run by a lovely older woman (maybe even run by Ruth!) who would let her display her photographs.

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Ruth is also great for parties.

Lisa would then encourage her to put her work online. The story of a newly divorced woman discovering herself again will go viral. Marge’s artwork is a hit! She gets her own exhibit and at the opening exhibit Homer turns up trying to win her back. After a heart to heart, Marge tells him that, while there’s still love there, that the real love she needs to work on is that for herself. Homer shows a moment of maturity and accepts this. The two part as friends.

Then the exhibit ends and Ruth comes up to her and presents her with a pair of tickets. “What’s this?” Marge asks.

“Plane tickets, time to see the world with that little girl of yours.”

The two friends hug. Marge thanks her for inspiring her to be herself. Then Lisa appears and Marge tells her that the two of them are going on a little trip once school finishes. “Oh Mom!”

In the following months, Lisa and Marge going travelling. They travel all across America. Marge taking photos, Lisa writing down every little experience. At the end of the trip Lisa says she’s popping out to visit a local bookstore. On Lisa’s bed is her diary, left open on the current date. Marge can’t help but have a read and discovers an essay by her daughter, detailing how proud she is of her mother for blossoming into a new woman. A tear runs down her face.

She gets a text from Ruth. “Hey, you doing okay?”

“I’m doing just fine.” she texts back. Marge smiles and picks up her camera to step back into the world.

END CREDITS

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Go on, admit it. This would be fantastic. I bet you didn’t even realise how great an addition Ruth Powers would be, did you? Sure, I’ve left out Bart and Maggie but the writers can work them back in. I’m just an ideas man. A shining knight, here to rescue Marge Simpson and set her free into the world.

Or you know, what will happen is that they’ll get divorced and then at the end of the episode the two will just get married again, leaving Marge right where she started. *sigh*

Poor Marge Simpson.